I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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