I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
