I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
