i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
