Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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