I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
