maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
