just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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