dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
