I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
