three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
