About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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