Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
