Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
