if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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