I'm eating all of the evidence.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
