SEEEEXXX PLEASE
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
