the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
