shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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