and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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