By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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