Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
