areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
