Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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