we have pet lesbian snakes
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
