that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
