gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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