Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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