I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
