Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
