Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
