I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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