Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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