Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We're too hungover to prance.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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