I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
