This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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