It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
