Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Randomize
