I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
