Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
