You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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