I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
