tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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