Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
