Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
