a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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