you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
