i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
