I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
