my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
