I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
