just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
