omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
